Do you remember your childhood ? Do you remember incidents which were not important at the time, and in fact they aren’t now, but they somehow stayed in your mind up to now ?
And….do you really think you are the same person NOW as you were back then (given there’s some decades at least in between). ?
To me it is strange. I often believe I’m living several lives, having several personalities, although I know it’s always ME, it always was. I lie in bed at night quite often and some memories come to mind. I remember living in Zurich, my father was an insurance agent, office boss, that’s why we never got along after. He prepared my future as his successor, and I said, forget it, no interest, and went off to Asia for 6 months. That’s what I thought at first. I came back after 3 years having surrounded the globe and with no idea of being glued to an office and working something that didn’t interest me at all.
Dry work. You sell paragraphs you can’t relate to. You try to sell bullshit to people that but don’t believe in what you sell yourself. Don’t work. Smart people will figure that and you DON’T sell, therefore. I felt I was alive before and now some want to kill me mentally.
Childhood is fantastic. You are open to everything and, that’s the difference to when you’re grown up, everything is NEW. That’s why it stays in your memory. Time don’t pass because so many new impressions show up. When you get older, you have to look for these impressions consciously, because they don’t come day to day anymore. When you’re young, you have no problems. You are eternal. When I was 9, I was afraid of becoming TEN. I remember lying in bed the day before birthday and I was afraid of getting OLD 🙂
So, I did as I was told and wasted 4 years on an aprenticeship in insurance. And on the weekends I was a hippie playing punk. Just before I was about to follow my pals into the depths of sugar and cocaine, I left my country.
When I was 20, I was in New Zealand picking wool as a rousie, listening to the Police when they walked on the moon, and life was great.
When I was 30, I felt the need (?) to get a wife and family, so I gave in to my hormons and did it. But I shut out my mind. So – that didn’t work. Because I knew already what freedom is, and I thought I chained myself. Love has no borders and no conventions, as long as your people know that you love them – no matter where you are. It’s not about responsability. I have learnt from my family: Better to have a father who isn’t always available but who is loving, than a father who is always around but takes his frustrations into the family.
When I was 40 I was in Africa. I’ve tried to be a good family father when back in Switzerland but I failed. Why ? All the love I had and still have couldn’t cover up my frustration about our Western society where hearts are STONE and doors are SHUT. I lived in places which were different, and couldn’t get that out of my mind.
So I f…ed up on people I love, they couldn’t understand it at first, tried to talk to me then, but nevertheless I failed. I shouldn’t have taken the responsibility and then find out that I can’t cope with it because I saw my life MUST be different.
Luckily for me I was given the chance to explain – and people didn’t agree, but they accepted it, because they knew that I would not have lasted in a life where everything is planned – not by myself, but by the society we live in.
I had so many lives. I have families in several countries, not my OWN families (blood), but people who have gracefully accepted me to be member of the family, and that’s the biggest honor I can imagine. And no – it’s not about money, as I think most of you will think now.
So, now, all those years later, I find myself going through all those stages of my life in my mind, still thinking that the 9-year-old listening to the Beatles was someone else but not me – or not ? 😉
I wonder and will never stop wondering if that kid was really me…it’s so damn strange to realize that life can take so many turns, and that humans can change so much during such a short time, and will be shaped to become something so different than what the parents and/or the environment planned to….or would you have thought at 20 that you’d be so different in later life ? I guess not.